Rodeo Roundup: RNC – Republican National Carnival

I’m not sure why I did it to myself, but I watched every night of the RNC. I tried to stay away, but then I’d see someone on my Twitter say that Mary Fallin upped her twang to Reba standards or that Jeb Bush was speaking coherently. I’m weak for their lies and awful jokes. Plus, I apparently really enjoy watching old, white people dance as well.

Did you know that Janna Ryan, wife of RPR (Ryan Paul Ryan), is an Oklahoman? She even watched a Sooner game in her wedding dress.  It’s okay if we make fun of her now for marrying a total tool, right?

My sk8boarding for Jesus friend, Keith Mason, must have cried a river of a thousand fertilized eggs that his presh personhood amendment failed to make it on a ballot in Colorado for the THIRD time. Keith will overcome his failures, I’m sure, while listening to the Deftones.

Here’s the story of a person saying they are the survivor of an abortion. The medical records back up that she was spontaneously delivered at 18 weeks. Melissa claims she was 7 months old when the abortion occurred and that she was ‘thrown in a dumpster, crying’ when the medical records show she was taken to NICU. Y’all ready for some math?  18 weeks does not equal 7 months, and there’s no dumpster mentioned anywhere. It’s also impossible to find anything else besides this about her except that her story changes all the time. Not to downplay anyone that this could have happened to, but something stinks. So why is she all over the place? BECAUSE OBAMA WANTS TO KILL BABIES AFTER THEY ARE BORN (but not really).

So, let’s say you’re on your way to get an abortion. A van pulls up, asks you to get inside, and pee for them while they pray for you. Nope, that’s not creepy at all. Are they offering candy too? But don’t worry, these Urolagnians just wanna talk to you about Jesus for a little bit and then make you pose for a picture after! Don’t you just love their hair and Northface jackets? They also seem to have a MAJOR issues with Mr. Rogers..?  HEY STORK PEOPLE! YOUR VAN = CREEPY!

OMFG!!! DYLAN AND KELLY from 90210!!! It’s like my Old Navy fantasies came true!

I did get to see my BOYFRAN Rick Santy talk about handys, thick juicy arms, hands, hands, and hands this week. It was glorious!      

FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE…THE OFFICIAL (NSFW) RNC MUSIC VIDEO!!!

Molly is off to the big city this weekend for her old ass birthday. She’s turning 26. Again. Follow her on Twitter if you’re into cussin’ at the TV.