HEY, Y’ALL, HEY! So I’ve been kinda busy, and I had NO INTERNET in Kansas. I was like freakin Laura Ingalls Wilder. Milking cows and churning butter, weaving my own birthing cloths (j/k I don’t live in Portland!) and whatnot. When I would finally put my head to a pillow at night, I swear to the sky above I saw Michael Landon (but I’m pretty sure it was just the haunted house I was living in).
Enough about me, how are y’all? I’d like to think that you missed me (see how I turned it back to me?). How is Oklahoma? Just kidding, I’m there every weekend. I am super excited that there’s a station named KAKE (mmm cake) here in good ol’ Wichita, but I’m NOT excited about their wardrobe or creepy music choices. Eh, you win some..and all that.* At least KS and OK have the same terrible beer laws! PRAISE THE PROHIBITION!
So let’s talk about some news, shall we? HOLY HELL ON A HOT DOG. WE GONE DONE PASSED SOME HEALTHCARE! I honestly did not think it would happen. I know y’all didn’t think it would either. Damn, we are some jaded people, aren’t we? But, IT DID. And I got to see this..
Dang Daddy Boehner, you better use your federally funded healthcare funds to pay for some more diapers cuz you just shat your pants. The look on Nancy’s face!
Now for every single dumbass (and there are SO many!) saying you will “move to Canada.” Guess what? They have Federally Funded Healthcare! Now get over here and cough up a couple dollars for a gal’s ingrown toenail!
Just when you thought you’d never hear the term “personhood” again,THIS comes out. So some poser dogbreath wannabe skater sees a decapitated picture of a child in his Mema’s bible and decides HE’S GONNA SAVE/KILL ALL TEH BABIES. Wait, what? When I see those sweet sad animals on TV, I don’t decide to stick a carrot in my butt and call myself a snowlady. Why? Because it makes no sense. What I’m scratching at here is that his cute little story is obviously bullshit. Let’s dig a little deeper here.. Keith Mason (the founder of personhood) is super into the ‘metal band’ The Deftones. WHOA, hold yer horses. The Deftones, metal? I consider that band strictly South Oklahoma City bar tunes. Which leads me to the skateboarding thing – Keithy Poo (Part Christian, Part Hipster-uh, not with that haircut!) was really into skateboarding until he saw that headless child. Uh, okay. So he just started screaming outside of abortion clinics? Just gave up skateboarding? No transition? Just skateboarding-headless something-fetus fetish? I’m sure he’s still skateboards4thalord!
So let’s discuss Keith’s Wifey that HE MET WHILE PRAYING OUTSIDE OF A FREAKING ABORTION CLINIC. Then they married 5 months later because they needed to screw. The couple that oppresses together, stays together? Girl, you going for that ‘Quiverfull with Cleavage’ look? I like it! Keith likes to say things like “Cool, man” when he speaks so of course someone who is so fucking obsessed with fetuses would know WHEN HIS WIFE WAS DUE TO GIVE BIRTH but he doesn’t because he’s a twatface. He’s too busy skateboardjerking off to pictures of Troy Newman or death threats. You guys, I can’t even. These people have pictures of fetuses in their house! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? It’s not to save these fetuses, it’s obvious you do.not.give.a.shit. It’s not to save the sluts. And it sure ain’t like you care about people of color. I’ll just say it, do the personhood, prolife, creepy as shit people want to marry fetuses?(remember, you gotta stay pure!) Do you think TBN will start manufacturing fetus promise rings? It’s never too early to promise yourself to some jackass! There should be some fetus virginity test! I think I’ve ranted enough about two small things, right?
So while Boehner, Rove, Romney, Palin and our own Lil’Fallin were bitchin on twitter about OBAMACARE. I like to think that THIS was going on.
And since I’ve been so damn removed from reality (no seriously, I’m working from a church at the moment), I know nothing about current music, but I think this oldie is relevant because the theme is totes patriotic! Happy 4th O’ July! Don’t catch on fire!
Molly is in Kansas right now making fun of TEA party candidates. Follow her on twitter.
*Screw you to every single one of you that talked shit about Oklahoma during the NBA finals. I hope you lose the ability to fart, and it comes out of your mouth. I hate you.