Rodeo Round Up: "None of these are Onion articles, I'm serious" Edition

It”s the first week of the new year. How y”all? I”ve been alright. Thanks for asking. I spent the week watching reality shows about rat infestations and the GOP Iowa caucus. Same thing, amirite? Ba da ching!

Speaking of rat infestations, my sweater vest boyfran Ricky Santorum is totes risin in the poles! Oh yay!  Did y”all know that Ricky doesn”t dry his hands after he pees? That his favorite color is blah? That his wife had (or didn”t according to him) a life saving, second trimester abortion? Ahem…well not that you could have if it were up to him. He also really doesn”t like, well ANYBODY. And there”s rumors of exorcisms? WHAT?! I was kinda flippin” out after the Iowa caucus but Sandra was able to help me chill by explaining that Santy, like Huckabee before him, will probably just end up with a television show. Cross your fingers for the 700 Club or my personal fave Way of the Master!

Remember when I wrote about the woman in New York that was being charged with “self abortion”? Well, the DA wisely dropped the charges.

In other “news that can”t really be real”:

A Dallas teenager ran away from home in 2010. Not an unusual thing, however sad. After she ended up in Houston and was arrested for theft, she gave police a fake name; a name that just by some freak accident happened to belong to a 22 year old undocumented immigrant from Colombia that had warrants out for her arrest. Okay, well logically they should finger print the teenager, check for ID, ya know-protocols. No? Just deport her to Colombia? An African-American 14 year old that speaks no Spanish?  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? And now Colombia won”t release her after making her clean houses for the past two years.

So, what is a terrorist? What is terrorism? These words get thrown around a lot, especially in the last 11 years. Fire bombing a building (especially more than once) is considered an act of terrorism, coercion by fear of or act of violence is considered an act of terrorism… so can somebody please tell me why the HELL Abortion Clinic Terrorism has been left out of the federal governments database of terrorists? Here”s a fun little list of all the unacceptable violence that has gone on for the last twenty or so years.  So what I”m getting to here is the latest act of terrorism that occurred on New Years at a clinic in Florida. It was firebombed by what the news is referring to as a “homeless” man that was moved to commit arson by his strong dislike of abortion. He also says he was inspired after sitting with anti-choice protesters for several days. Inspired to commit arson… or convinced? (I love a conspiracy theory)  I”ll write a lengthy post at another time about my other love, Troy Newman (Hi, HONEY!!!) and his BFF Scott Roeder.

Well now I”m all excited! The first week of New Years is also a big money maker for the diet industry… and if y”all are friends with me you know how I feel about this. I”ve spent thousands (not a typo) of dollars trying to lose weight over the course of my life. Most of it went to Weight Watchers. I”ll give “em one thing: they aren”t selling you prepackaged frozen crap and they focus on fruit/veggies/whole grains. But do you need to spend around $60 a month plus groceries for someone to tell you that? Do you need a commercial where Jennifer Hudson   Also, you”re probably gonna gain that weight back plus some. I ain”t tryin to be mean, but I”m living proof. Once I saw the light (thanks Mads and Caitlyn and everyone else!) I realized that instead of actually doing the things I loved and focusing on social change, I was counting calories, reading labels, exercising, calling myself fat, crying about being fat, hating my body, measuring my hips, reading weight loss blogs, feeling like failure, crying more… you get the picture.  Well, I still have my days but I refuse to participate in my own exploitation any longer. I wish you would join me.  Let”s be happy with ourselves, all year “round. I look GOOD. I look HOT. I have SASS TO SPARE. I love myself and the way I look. Being a fat, beautiful body kind of messes with people because society and the diet industry has taught us fat people are supposed to be ashamed of ourselves. So to walk around, head high, skirt short, heels high, lipstick red-you get looks and a lot of smiles. Who run the world?   (FAT) GIRLS! Fat Acceptance and Body Acceptance are beautiful things. Seriously.

Oh my gawd. This has been a long one. I”m drivin back to Norman now, love you like a love song, y”all!


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